Some witty title here (My cynical meter is too low to come up with a good one right now): A Prom Se

Prom season is fast approaching, and between rushing to rent limos and snagging dates, the most stressful part of it all is, of course, dress shopping. So strap on your small arrangements of dead flowers, kids, and make sure to fasten those bobby pins into all your orifices because I’m the oracle of prom fashion, the prince of the promenade, and I’ve been sent by the gods to teach you children a thing or two about how to steal the show for the most overrated American event of your life.

[WARNING] The following information is contrary to popular belief.

When looking for your perfect dress, the biggest advantage you can give yourself in the competition for the best-dressed is matching your friends. Before you buy yourself that beautiful gown, make sure you grab at least two more of the same exact dress for your bestie friends, because nothing says “slay sistas” like Charlie’s Angels in matching multi-colored sequins. Another thing to keep in mind when dress-shopping is the crazier, the better. The bigger, wilder, crazier, and more colorful, the better. Anything absolutely absurd gets you those bonus points that make people stare and say, “I bet she’s got a great personality.” (Bonus points if you make it yourself). And last but not least, onto the topic of heels. When it comes to the mini death-machines created by the patriarchy, once you go flats, you never go back to heels. Say goodbye to your good pair of Louboutins and say hello to your kid-sister’s sparkly clear Cinderella slippers from Target, they’ll go perfectly with your chaos-clad ball-gown.

When it comes to your date, the best kind of date is the one who won’t cause drama during your big night, so make sure to snag a sibling, and if you’re an only child, go stag. Everyone wants to stand out, and the best way to make your presence known at prom is to go completely alone, you’ll be the talk of the party!

Time for the boutonniere and corsages, when choosing the dead vegetation to pin to your strapping get-up, shy away from big, beautiful, real flowers and invest your good money into those Walmart-quality fake flowers you can find at any underfunded event. Just run into your nearest adult birthday party, steal a few plastic begonias from Susan from book-club and clip those buggers right to your collar. Any average hairband and some good hot glue make a great base for a steadfast corsage. Alternatively, if you don’t have a hair elastic you can just hot-glue the flowers directly to your skin.

Now onto the guys, when it comes to the right tux, you’re willing to put in everything you got, right? Well look no further and close those wallets because we’ve got the best tuxes without all the $$$. Tuxes are so formal and hoity-toity, instead of blending in, stand out in dull shades and get yourself one of those sexy Vineyard Vines pastel khakis and a snazzy printed blazer from Lilly Pulitzer. Don’t worry about matching your prom theme, from fresh-lox pink to algae-slime teal, you're probably covered. Top off your prom look with a charming lobster-print button-down and any clip-on-bow-tie you can find in your dad’s closet. When it comes to the boutonniere, chances are Stacy didn’t snag enough fake flowers for the both of you, so just go ahead and staple some greenery from mom’s garden right to your lapel.

Don’t forget to let mom take as many pictures of you and your date as she wants, you’ll look great, and she’ll want something to show the ladies at brunch on Sunday to brag about how much of a godsend you are. “Better than Nancy’s kid, bleh.” Don’t worry about a limo either, your dad can always drive you in his P. T. Cruiser. And last but not least, chances are you’re going to need to apply for scholarship aid if you want to afford tickets to this sort of thing so make sure to look around and apply as soon as you can! Enjoy!